The game was about to begin, and I was admiring the huge, spacious stadium. Harry sat on me. Whoa! He must've had a lot of McDonalds since the last time he used me. I wasn't so happy after that. I flew up and prepped for the game. It was autumn and from the birds eye view, I could see Hogwarts and the whomping willow was changing its shade to a bright tangerine orange.
The ref blew the whistle and the game started. It was against Hufflepuff. I flew in the quiddich stadium this way and that, dashing faster than the other brooms, who were evidently stunned with paranoia. I saw a Shortstick 50, which was totally last year. A bludger knocked off Ron Weasley. Luckily, Snape cushioned his fall.
The Broomysweep 600 knocked me, trying to get me. Fred got the ball and threw it threw the poles, when the keeper, Huffy Pufferhead, caught the ball. Harry was searching for the snitch. I felt the autumn breeze on my stomach. However, the rest of me did not feel so, as Harry's bottom weighted me down and polluted the air. I longed to gaze at the leaves or smell the air, but it filtered the good smells and brought in the bad smells.
He found the snitch! He ordered me to fly, and I did so, as fast as I could, the wind blowing into me and going to fast. There was a mosquito on my stomach, and it itched as its tiny legs tickled me. Meanwhile, Puffer McHuff threw the ball and scored as George missed and it slipped. I turned over to get rid of the mosquito, but then, Harry, who was riding too fast, lost his balance and fell. If he fell, I would get blamed and I might be sent away. So I flew towards a bludger and flew straight into it. It crashed straight into his face and he fell. Down and down and down... He was looking at me the whole time, yelling a lot of mean words. Then he crashed on concrete. It wasn't a pretty sight. Harry Potter was dead.
Luckily, I didn't get the blame. The bludger did, and it was taken away, far far away. I should be more careful. Oh well, at least it wasn't mine. Better luck next time.
hahaha very funny.... The introduction, i think didn't really capture my attention. I mean this post was really great, it is just that i think you should make the introduction bit like surprising or make the audience/viewers wonder about what will happen. Yes, and your post did follow the intro-body-conclusion. This was really good and what i liked about this was everything was SO FUNNY. For example, "Whoa! He must've had a lot of McDonalds since the last time he used me." and "..as Harry's bottom weighted me down and polluted the air. I longed to gaze at the leaves or smell the air, but it filtered the good smells and brought in the bad smells." VERY FUNNY. Also, i don't think i have any suggestions for you, i think this was very very good, just that i think it needs to capture people's attentions. :)
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The introduction captured my attention, because of the quiddich matches. I could see the body, intro, and conclusion. I liked that ITS RLLY FUNNY!!! I dont think I could make thisbetter, what I want to say is this: MAKE MORE LIKE THIS ONE!!!
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